Dating After Divorce

Scary, terrifying, overwhelming. These are all words I used often when describing the thought of dating after divorce. I said them to my friends, my mom, and my therapist. I had these words said to me by my girlfriends that were deciding if they were ready to date. For me there were things I had to take care of first, before ever downloading some app to window shop my potential prospects (i.e., my kids and my mental health). I feel this is where the subject of romance after divorce gets controversial, and I am going to be honest, I have an opinion as well as an asshole, and I own it. That being said, I 100% support everyone who also has an asshole to have an opinion. We do not have to agree. I love to hear what others think, as long as respect is evident. Now, I am going to dive into my opinion and how I went about making the decision to date after divorce, how I would design it around my kids, and figuring out exactly what I was looking for.

              Dating was not on my post-divorce ‘to do’ list for over a year. I felt raw and unprepared for my new life. No one goes into marriage and family planning thinking, “one day I am going to be doing this all alone, heartbroken, overworked, and afraid.” So here I was, 33 years old, with two babies, yes babies, and working out what my next steps had to be. The first thing I did was get my ass into therapy. Divorce, and then the process of dismantling the life I was building with my now ex-husband, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have heard people compare it to the death of a loved one. I disagree, due to having experienced both, but that is a blog post for another time. I compare it more to discovering you have a life threating illness. Before you ever leave a marriage, you know things are not working, but nothing you do seems to have an impact to course correct the damage to the family. Then, one day, you start talking about the symptoms to anyone that will listen and it becomes very clear to all parties, real change is the answer. I will be clear: I ended my marriage. It was the best thing for me and I think, or would like to hope, that my ex-husband would agree that it was the best thing for our kids. What happens next in this situation? You seek legal or professional counsel. This is when shit gets real. I sat there, told my story, discussed my desired outcome, and was advised on the life-saving measures that would have to be taken. Move out, iron out custody and finances, say goodbye to the parts of my life that I enjoyed very much, because the diagnosis was serious…DIVORCE. Divorce was the diagnosis and the cure if I ever wanted a happy family and a loving, emotionally safe, home(s) for my kids. I equate this to a doctor telling you that you have diabetes or liver disease. From this point on, you are going to have to do everything differently to ensure health, and as a mother you don’t want this to affect the kids in a scary or overwhelming way. So, my first year was about learning how to divorce, how to be a single parent, how to respectfully create boundaries with my ex, and how to support myself, because there is life after a life-threatening illness. A person learns to live with that threat and if they take all the right precautions and make the changes, they can live a long and healthy one.

 About a year later, and after many tears, giant marshmallows, and wine (plus therapy), I was feeling stronger in my new lifestyle. I talked often to friends and my angel of a mother, and came up with these rules for dating.

Rule #1) Give yourself at least a full year to get comfortable with you. Do this for you, your kids and for the sake of that potential date.

Why? Because you need to know what you want out of a relationship, and you can’t do that if you feel lost or wounded. So, the first relationship I worked on was the one I was having with myself. This, for me, meant therapy (have I mentioned that?), physical fitness and better nutrition, as well as some more education. I also felt that even though my kids would be too young to remember this period of time, kids should be allowed a full year (at least) to get used to their parents separate lives. I think it is really important to give time to address their feelings and insecurities about mom and dad not being together anymore. I personally didn’t really need to do this. When we separated, our kids were 16 months and 4 months old, but I think this rule helps the extended family re-adjust too.

Rule #2) No one meets the kids until it looks like the relationship will be long-term and they have also met the other parent.

Why? What I’m about to say might offend some people. It was important to me to evaluate how my kids might view their mom’s relationship or relationships with men who were not their father. The idea of introducing my kids to a number of “my friends” gave me the icks. How would my son view me if my sexuality was something he had to pass in the hall before school at 14 and it had a different name every other month? How would my daughter interpret my desire for lust and love? Would she be empowered or would mommy dating multiple men equal something negative for her? I decided I was not taking unnecessary chances. I wanted to control my kid’s exposure to adult themes. In short, I put a PG rating on my dating. The second motivator for me was my ex’s feelings of being respected. He is their father and for he and I to have a productive co-parenting relationship, respect is key. The kids are in the center and for us to do this, we can’t be knowingly doing things that rub each other the wrong way. I didn’t want to have weeks of petty back and forth that would possibly be felt by our kids. I decided the best way to handle this was a co-parent meet and greet. (Please forgive the rhyming I have been in an open relationship with Dr. Sues for the last 20 odd years.) This type of interaction is not comfortable for anyone, but we are adults and the goal was to spare our children as much uncomfortable or harmful interactions as we could, post-divorce. No need to size up the new love interest at a child’s sporting event or Christmas concert. We are all adults here, so let’s have awkward drinks at the Keg instead, and let the other parent ask questions, or lay down some boundaries. After all, they have a right to transparency when it comes to their kids. This also allows all to discuss how the ‘meet-the-kids' process should go. It also might help both parents support their kids and love them throughout the changes. How to handle this efficiently as well as how awkward those drinks were, is a blog post in itself. Cheers to a future post or a book deal!

Rule #3) Figure out what you are looking for before you start looking.

Why? I think it is obvious but let us go into detail.  First, I had to ask myself, ‘am I interested in lust, love or both?’ At the beginning, I was only really interested in getting out of the house and meeting men for the purpose of adult conversation. That later changed into living a bit of a double life, where lust and feeling like a desirable woman again was more my aim. After a while, I became ready for a much deeper relationship, and the possibility of love again. All these stages of my re-integration into dating required me to understand my “deal breakers.” In the first stage, I was just getting out of the house. If a man was interested in sex or a new mommy for his kids, that was a deal breaker. The next stage was more about lust. I wanted sex in my life again, and to feel desired, so I added that to wanting to just get out of the house. At this stage, deal breakers included: wanting a more meaningful relationship than just casual or fun, smoking, chauvinism, and living with their mom. It was still very superficial at this point, because I was not including them in my life. To go along with this dealbreaker list was a “must haves’ list. Physical features, likes and dislikes, and age appropriateness were all big factors when narrowing down who I would spend my little free time with. The last stage is the scariest, and most overwhelming, because it is all about love and stuff. I had to focus on what I brought to the table because no one should ever settle for less than what they are worth. My “Deal Breakers” list became very specific, but more importantly, my ‘must haves’ came into hyper focus. To be clear, this was not about six packs and blue eyes. My ‘must haves’ were about integrity, romance, education, kindness, if they had kids in their life, age, maturity, and affection, just to name a few. This is important for a parent to work out. We are busy. Time is limited. I didn’t want to waste someone else’s time and I didn’t have time to waste.

This is my last rule and some might find it silly.

Rule #4) Always debrief with someone you really trust, who knows you and whose opinion you value.

Why? It is really hard, when scared or overwhelmed, to trust yourself. There is still hurt that needs healing and dating is part of the post-divorce mending process. Shit comes bubbling up. That friend or loved one can help you talk out the fear, or point out when you are standing in your own way. They can also remind you of your priorities when you become confused by that pretty young thing with a six-pack, who made you feel sexy again.

Dating shouldn’t be anything but fun and exciting. Dating should add to a parent’s life. It should allow them to recharge and regroup, and if done right, it should provide them with love and support. That love might be from a possible love interest, it might be rallying the friends and family, but for me, it was learning to love myself. These rules helped me take the best care of my kid’s mom, while she worked hard to rebuild her life, so that all members of her kid’s family could cope with the DIVORCE diagnosis/cure.